The Truth Behind the Four Horsemen of Relationship

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but certain negative patterns can seriously damage the bond between partners. Dr. John Gottman identified these patterns, known as the “four horsemen,” which are key predictors of relationship breakdowns.

Understanding the four horsemen of relationship can help you spot behaviors that might be harming your connection and replace them with healthier alternatives. Whether you’ve noticed growing tension or want to strengthen your relationship, recognizing these signs is an important first step toward better communication and a happier partnership. Let’s dive into what they are and how to avoid them.

1. Criticism in Relationships

Criticism is one of the first of the Four Horsemen, and it can subtly damage the foundation of any relationship over time. Unlike a simple complaint, which focuses on a specific issue or behavior, criticism goes a step further by attacking a person’s character or personality. When you criticize your partner, you aren’t just pointing out a problem—you’re implying that something is fundamentally wrong with them as a person. Over time, this can breed resentment, defensiveness, and feelings of inadequacy in the relationship.

What Does Criticism Look Like?

Criticism often starts small, but it can escalate quickly. It’s the difference between saying, “I wish you’d taken the trash out like you said you would,” and “You never help around the house; you’re so lazy!” The first statement focuses on a specific behavior, while the second attacks the partner’s character. When criticism becomes a pattern, partners begin to feel like they can’t do anything right, which chips away at emotional intimacy and trust.

Examples of criticism in relationships include:

“You’re always so forgetful. Why can’t you ever remember anything?”
“You never listen to me. You’re so selfish.”
“You’re just like your mother; you always make things worse.”

These kinds of statements don’t just address a problem—they attach the problem to the person, making it harder for your partner to respond without feeling attacked.

How Criticism Erodes Relationships

Over time, constant criticism can create a toxic environment where one or both partners feel constantly judged or put down. This can lead to defensiveness, where the criticized partner starts to push back or shut down in conversations. It becomes harder to communicate effectively, as each partner begins to feel less understood and more attacked.

Criticism can also lead to a cycle of negativity. When one partner feels attacked, they may respond with defensiveness or even start criticizing back. This back-and-forth exchange erodes the positive connection between partners and makes conflict resolution nearly impossible. As a result, unresolved issues build up, leading to emotional distance and a lack of trust.

Healthy Alternatives to Criticism

The good news is that criticism can be replaced with healthier communication techniques. Instead of criticizing your partner’s character, focus on specific behaviors and how they affect you. This approach is called a “soft startup” and allows you to express your feelings without blaming your partner. A good way to start is by using “I” statements, which center the discussion on how a behavior makes you feel, rather than attacking your partner.

For example:

Instead of saying, “You’re so lazy, you never help around the house,” try: “I feel frustrated when the chores pile up. Can we figure out a better way to share the responsibility?”
Rather than, “You’re always so selfish,” say: “I feel hurt when it seems like my needs aren’t being considered.”

These types of statements focus on the problem at hand without turning it into a personal attack. They help create an open dialogue where both partners can discuss their feelings and work together to find solutions, rather than spiraling into criticism and blame.

The Importance of Addressing Criticism Early

Addressing criticism early in the relationship is crucial because the longer it goes unchecked, the more difficult it becomes to break the cycle. By identifying patterns of criticism and replacing them with constructive, kind communication, you can prevent small issues from turning into major conflicts. Healthy communication allows both partners to feel heard and understood, creating a stronger foundation for the relationship to thrive.

2. Contempt: The Most Destructive Horseman

Contempt is considered the most harmful of the Four Horsemen because it goes beyond criticism by conveying a sense of superiority over your partner. While criticism attacks specific actions or behaviors, contempt expresses outright disrespect and disdain. It’s often fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about a partner and can manifest in sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or hostile humor. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, contempt is the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown and even divorce, as it poisons emotional intimacy and destroys trust.

What Does Contempt Look Like?

Contempt can be subtle or overt, but its impact is always deeply damaging. Unlike criticism, which might be rooted in frustration or disappointment, contempt is an expression of disgust and belittlement. It makes the recipient feel inferior, undervalued, and emotionally attacked.

Examples of contempt in relationships include:

Sarcasm or Mocking: Rolling eyes, mimicking, or using a mocking tone to belittle a partner. For instance, “Oh sure, because you’re always so perfect, right?”
Name-calling: Using degrading or hurtful names to refer to a partner, such as calling them “stupid” or “useless.”
Disrespectful Humor: Joking at the expense of your partner in a way that undermines their intelligence or character, like saying, “Wow, you must be a genius to have messed that up so badly.”
Body Language: Rolling your eyes, sneering, or looking away with disdain can communicate contempt just as much as words.

These actions convey to the other person that they are not only wrong but unworthy of respect or consideration. Contempt is particularly destructive because it attacks the core of a person’s self-worth, making them feel inadequate or beneath their partner.

Why Is Contempt So Harmful?

Contempt is often born out of unresolved resentment that has built up over time. It can stem from ongoing conflicts that haven’t been addressed properly, leading one partner to feel justified in belittling the other. The harm caused by contempt is cumulative—each sarcastic remark, insult, or eye roll chips away at the emotional foundation of the relationship, eroding any sense of safety or mutual respect.

Research shows that contempt can be physically damaging, too. Studies have found that couples who regularly display contempt are more likely to suffer from weakened immune systems and illnesses. This demonstrates how deeply contempt affects not just the emotional but also the physical well-being of both partners in a relationship.

Furthermore, contempt undermines the possibility of resolution. When a partner feels disrespected or degraded, they’re less likely to engage in healthy communication. Instead of working through issues together, the relationship becomes a battlefield where contempt breeds defensiveness, resentment, and emotional withdrawal.

Examples of Contempt in Daily Interactions

Contempt can show up in various forms, and it often sneaks into everyday conversations. Here are a few examples of how contempt might surface in seemingly normal interactions:

Mocking Intelligence: “Of course you’d say that. You’re too clueless to understand the real issue.”
Insulting a Partner’s Character: “You’re pathetic. I don’t know how anyone puts up with you.”
Belittling Achievements: “Wow, it only took you a week to get that done. Impressive…not.”
Sarcastic Comments in Conflict: When discussing a serious issue, saying, “Oh, because you’re so mature and responsible,” with an eye roll.

These examples may seem minor in isolation, but repeated instances of contempt create an atmosphere of hostility and disrespect in a relationship. When one or both partners resort to contempt, the relationship becomes toxic, and positive communication feels impossible.

The Antidote to Contempt: Cultivating Appreciation and Respect

The most effective way to counter contempt is to foster a culture of appreciation and respect within the relationship. This requires both partners to make a conscious effort to build each other up, rather than tearing each other down. Replacing contempt with gratitude can transform the way partners communicate, creating an environment where each person feels valued and respected.

Practical steps to counter contempt include:

Focus on Positive Qualities: Instead of dwelling on what your partner does wrong, try to regularly express appreciation for their positive traits and actions. Simple statements like, “I appreciate how hard you work for us,” can go a long way in reinforcing a positive connection.
Use “I” Statements: When discussing a problem, avoid accusatory language and instead focus on how the issue makes you feel. For example, say, “I feel unimportant when we don’t spend time together,” instead of, “You never care about me.”
Practice Gratitude: Make it a habit to point out the things you love about your partner, even during challenging times. This helps keep negative emotions in check and reminds both partners of the value in the relationship.

Cultivating appreciation isn’t just about avoiding negative behavior; it’s about actively reinforcing the positive aspects of your relationship. When you prioritize respect and gratitude, contempt has no room to take root, and the overall emotional atmosphere of the relationship improves dramatically.

Why Early Intervention Matters

Like the other Horsemen, contempt can become a deeply ingrained pattern if it goes unaddressed. The longer contempt is present in a relationship, the harder it becomes to break the cycle of negativity. Couples who recognize the signs of contempt early and take action to replace it with appreciation and constructive communication have a much higher chance of rebuilding their relationship and preventing further damage.

3. Defensiveness: Shifting Blame

Defensiveness is the third of the Four Horsemen and is a common response to criticism or perceived attacks. When one partner becomes defensive, they tend to shift the blame onto the other person rather than taking responsibility for their actions. This reaction is often a way to protect oneself from feeling blamed or attacked, but it prevents productive communication and resolution of conflict. Over time, defensiveness erodes trust and creates a barrier to open, honest discussions in a relationship.

What Does Defensiveness Look Like?

Defensiveness occurs when a person feels accused or attacked, even if the accusation is subtle. Instead of addressing the issue, they shift the focus to their partner’s shortcomings or make excuses to justify their actions. This behavior is a way to deflect responsibility and avoid accountability. While defensiveness might be a natural reaction to feeling under fire, it blocks the path to resolving issues and often escalates conflicts.

Examples of defensiveness include:

Counter-complaining: Instead of addressing the issue, you immediately fire back with your own complaint. For example, if your partner says, “I’m upset that you didn’t clean up the kitchen,” you might respond, “Well, you never help me with laundry.”
Making excuses: You may try to explain why the issue isn’t your fault. If your partner says, “Why didn’t you call when you were going to be late?” a defensive response might be, “I was too busy, and it’s not a big deal.”
Playing the victim: You might shift the conversation to how you feel attacked or unfairly blamed. For instance, responding to a complaint with, “You always make me the bad guy. I can’t do anything right.”
Denying responsibility: Completely rejecting any role in the problem, such as saying, “I didn’t do anything wrong,” or, “This isn’t my fault.”

Defensiveness might make the person feel better in the moment, but it sends a message to their partner that their feelings aren’t being considered. Instead of working toward a solution, the defensive partner creates distance by avoiding responsibility.

How Defensiveness Erodes Relationships

Over time, defensiveness becomes a barrier to effective communication and conflict resolution. When one or both partners react defensively to complaints, it leads to a cycle of blame-shifting and finger-pointing, rather than addressing the root issue. This prevents couples from truly listening to each other and finding solutions to their problems.

Defensiveness can make the other partner feel dismissed or unheard, leading to frustration. If every time one partner raises an issue, the other immediately shifts blame or denies responsibility, it creates an emotional disconnect. The partner who is trying to express their feelings may stop bringing up concerns altogether, feeling that no productive conversation will result. This leads to unresolved issues building up, which can eventually create emotional distance and resentment.

Moreover, defensiveness can fuel further negative interactions. When someone responds defensively, it often prompts the other partner to become more critical, intensifying the conflict. The more defensive reactions occur, the harder it becomes to have healthy, constructive conversations. This pattern can spiral into larger communication breakdowns, making it increasingly difficult to maintain a positive connection in the relationship.

Examples of Defensiveness in Conversations

Defensiveness can show up in various forms, especially during heated discussions or disagreements. Here are some examples of how it may surface in everyday conversations:

Excusing behavior: When asked why you didn’t attend an important event, you respond, “I had other things to do, and it’s not like I was the only one missing.”
Deflecting blame: If your partner points out that you forgot an important task, you might say, “Well, you forget things all the time. Why is it such a big deal when I do?”
Minimizing the problem: After a disagreement, if your partner says they were hurt by something you said, you reply, “I was just joking. You’re being too sensitive.”

These examples illustrate how defensiveness can quickly derail conversations and escalate conflict, as they avoid addressing the core issue and instead redirect attention away from personal responsibility.

Healthy Alternatives to Defensiveness

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility, even if only for a small part of the problem. Acknowledging your role in a conflict opens the door to constructive dialogue and shows your partner that you respect their feelings. By owning up to your actions and validating your partner’s perspective, you create an atmosphere of collaboration rather than conflict.

Strategies to reduce defensiveness include:

Take ownership of your actions: Instead of deflecting or making excuses, acknowledge your role in the issue. For example, say, “You’re right, I should have called when I knew I was running late. I’m sorry for worrying you.”
Show empathy: Validate your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective. Try saying, “I can see how you would feel hurt by that, and I’ll try to be more mindful next time.”
Use “I” statements: When responding to complaints, avoid blaming language. Instead of reacting defensively, say, “I understand that I could have handled that better, and I want to talk about how we can fix it.”
Listen without interrupting: Sometimes, defensiveness stems from feeling attacked, but it’s important to truly listen to your partner before jumping to conclusions. Hear them out before responding, and make sure you’re addressing their concerns, not your perceived criticisms.

By accepting responsibility and showing empathy, you defuse potential conflicts before they escalate. This approach encourages more open, honest communication and fosters mutual respect in the relationship.

Breaking the Cycle of Defensiveness

Recognizing and breaking the habit of defensiveness is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. The longer this pattern persists, the more difficult it becomes to address real issues. By making a conscious effort to respond with accountability and empathy, you create a space where both partners feel heard and valued.

It’s important to note that defensiveness often stems from a fear of being blamed or feeling inadequate. If you notice this pattern in your relationship, try to focus on resolving the underlying issues rather than reacting to the defensive behavior itself. When both partners work together to address the root causes, defensiveness can be replaced with more productive and supportive communication habits.

4. Stonewalling: Emotional Withdrawal

Stonewalling, the final of the Four Horsemen, is when one partner emotionally withdraws from a conversation or conflict, effectively shutting down and refusing to engage. This behavior typically occurs when one partner feels overwhelmed by the situation and chooses to retreat rather than communicate. While it may seem like a way to avoid further escalation, stonewalling can be incredibly damaging to a relationship. It creates emotional distance and signals to the other partner that their concerns are not important or worthy of discussion. Over time, this pattern can lead to deep disconnection and unresolved conflicts.

What Does Stonewalling Look Like?

Stonewalling often manifests in a partner physically or emotionally withdrawing from a conversation. This can range from silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, or turning away during a discussion to more subtle signs of disengagement, like one-word answers or non-verbal cues like crossing arms or sighing. While the partner who is stonewalling might think they are avoiding a fight, the other person usually interprets this behavior as a sign that their partner is no longer interested in resolving the issue or even in the relationship itself.

Examples of stonewalling include:

Complete silence during a conversation or argument.
Avoiding eye contact or looking away while the partner is speaking.
Leaving the room or physically distancing oneself when an argument begins.
Using non-verbal cues like sighing, shrugging, or refusing to respond.
Responding with short, disengaged phrases like “I don’t care,” “whatever,” or “I’m done talking about this.”

Stonewalling usually begins gradually, with one partner withdrawing slightly in stressful situations. Over time, however, this behavior can become a default response to any form of conflict, causing deep emotional disconnection between the partners.

Why Does Stonewalling Happen?

Stonewalling typically occurs when a person feels overwhelmed by conflict and shuts down as a defense mechanism. This reaction is often a result of “flooding,” where the emotions triggered by the conversation—whether it’s anger, frustration, or fear—become too intense to process. The stonewalling partner feels that continuing the conversation will only lead to more distress, so they retreat in an attempt to protect themselves from feeling further hurt or overwhelmed.

Interestingly, stonewalling is not necessarily a sign of indifference; often, it occurs because the stonewalling partner cares too much and feels emotionally flooded. However, the partner who is being stonewalled experiences it as rejection or abandonment. The lack of communication can make the other partner feel like their concerns are being dismissed or that they are unworthy of attention.

How Stonewalling Erodes Relationships

Over time, stonewalling becomes a significant barrier to communication and emotional intimacy. When one partner repeatedly shuts down during conflict, it creates a cycle where issues are never fully addressed or resolved. The partner on the receiving end of stonewalling may begin to feel ignored, undervalued, or even abandoned in the relationship.

This emotional withdrawal often leads to feelings of frustration and resentment. When one partner is trying to engage and the other refuses to participate, it creates an imbalance in the relationship. The lack of resolution from stonewalling causes issues to pile up, creating tension and emotional distance. Instead of fostering an open, safe space for both partners to express their feelings, stonewalling leads to a relationship dynamic where one partner feels isolated, and the other feels emotionally exhausted.

Additionally, because stonewalling cuts off communication, it prevents the couple from resolving even minor disagreements. Over time, the couple’s ability to handle conflict weakens, and the emotional disconnect grows. Without proper communication, the relationship can start to feel hollow, with both partners becoming increasingly distant from each other.

Examples of Stonewalling in Daily Interactions

Stonewalling can occur in different forms, ranging from overt to subtle. Below are a few examples of how stonewalling might manifest in everyday interactions:

Silent Treatment: If a disagreement occurs, one partner completely stops speaking or engaging for hours or even days.
Walking Away During Arguments: Leaving the room mid-conversation without explanation, shutting the door, or even leaving the house to avoid the conflict.
Non-verbal Disengagement: Avoiding eye contact, crossing arms, and giving no verbal responses when the other partner is trying to address an issue.
Refusing to Discuss Issues: Dismissing a partner’s attempt to discuss a concern by saying, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or “There’s nothing to say.”

These actions create a wall between the partners, making it impossible to address issues productively. Stonewalling signals that communication is over, and any attempt to resolve the conflict is futile.

Healthy Alternatives to Stonewalling

The antidote to stonewalling is learning how to self-soothe and re-engage with your partner once emotions have cooled down. It’s essential to recognize when you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed and to take a break in a healthy, constructive way. Instead of shutting down, communicate to your partner that you need a moment to gather your thoughts and return to the conversation later.

Here are some practical ways to counter stonewalling:

Take a Break: If you feel overwhelmed during an argument, it’s okay to step away for a moment. However, make sure to let your partner know you need a break, rather than abruptly walking away. For example, say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?”
Practice Self-Soothing: Use calming techniques like deep breathing, taking a walk, or meditating to manage your emotional state. This helps reduce the emotional flooding that triggers stonewalling and allows you to re-engage in a more balanced and thoughtful way.
Re-Engage in the Conversation: After taking time to calm down, make sure to return to the conversation with an open mind. Let your partner know you’re ready to continue and discuss the issue respectfully.
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Instead of shutting down, acknowledge your emotional state by expressing it to your partner. For example, say, “I’m feeling really stressed right now, and I need a moment to process before we continue talking.”

By recognizing the early signs of emotional flooding and practicing these strategies, partners can avoid shutting down and maintain a healthy, open dialogue during conflicts.

Why It’s Important to Address Stonewalling Early

Stonewalling, if left unchecked, can become a deeply ingrained habit that is difficult to break. The longer it persists, the more emotional distance is created in the relationship. Couples who regularly experience stonewalling often find themselves in a cycle where both partners feel disconnected, misunderstood, and frustrated. Addressing stonewalling early allows both partners to develop healthier communication habits that foster emotional closeness and mutual respect.

By acknowledging the impact of stonewalling and committing to more constructive communication, couples can work together to rebuild their emotional connection and resolve conflicts in a way that strengthens their relationship, rather than causing further harm.

The Truth Behind the Four Horsemen of Relationship